Monday, November 12, 2001

mari ber'jiwang'...

aku malas nak menulis apa2 hari ni. cuma kali ni aku nak share satu artikel yg ada dalam simpanan aku. macam dulu jugak.. about marriage. sbb apa marriage?.. sbb aku rasa ramai orang yg masih konfius dan takut/malu nak membincangkannya secara terbuka. mungkin segan nanti kena panggil 'jiwang'... but lifes must go on.. satu hari, InsyaAllah, korang akan kawin jugak...

disclaimer : artikel ni tiada kaitan dgn aku ataupun org lain yg aku kenal, termasuk gengjernel semua. jangan membuat interpretasi yg bukan-bukan. bacalah sebagai 'things to ponder' shj...

When Learning To Trust Is A Must
by T.Elisa. NST. date ???(around '95/96)

We got married almost two and a half years ago. We were overseas, away from our parents and relatives, so the wed-ding preparation was tough. It wasn't that stressful, though, since we had the final say in everything.

Why did we get married? Let's just say that we came to a point in our relationship where marriage was the next best step. (Contrary to rumours, no, I was not pregnant and am still not pregnant -- yet).

Also, contrary to popular belief (of our sponsors and MSD), our grades did not plunge. In fact my husband and I did better in our studies thereafter.

Perhaps it was because we were in different universities, so we didn't live together. The only time we met was during semester breaks.

So, was it love? I thought so. My husband is a responsible, loving, caring and understanding man. He's level-headed, he knows what he wants, he's hardworking and he's got a great sense of humour. The problem was me.

My first boyfriend left me just a few days before I found out that my father was having an affair. I will not go through the details, but let me just say that I was traumatised. I mean if you can't trust a man you've known for 18 years, who can you trust?

I trusted my husband to love me and not leave me, but only for a period of time. Somehow, I didn't trust him to stay with me forever. I kept thinking: one day he's going to meet a better wom-an and leave me.

With that fear lodged at the back of my mind and compounded by the fact that I couldn't see him as often as I wanted to, I became paranoid. Every little wrong thing he did annoyed me. If he called me late, I would start thinking that he had found another woman. So I would check his wallet, his bank statements, his backpack and his closet when I was over at his place for the break.

I went crazy. When we weren't married I expressed my feelings freely because it didn't matter that much if we decided to break up. After the marriage I suppressed everything, afraid that if I let go, I'd get hurt should he leave me.

When he finally figured out why I had become so weird and volatile, I had to endure a long lecture.

"I'm not like your father, or your previous boyfriend. Your father ruined his marriage, don't let him ruin yours."

"I love you, I married you. I've made a commitment, I won't leave you. I'd be stupid if I ever did. Now don't you be stupid and think that I would."

"You don't trust me now, but one day you're going to trust me more than you trust yourself."

It was hard after that. It was very difficult to teach myself to be less suspicious, to be more trusting, to be less defensive, to be more open about my feelings, to be less angry and to be more happy.

But I managed to do it in the end. Nowadays when I get angry with him, I think about all the wonderful things he has done for me. Ride his motorcycle for 1,440km in the cold October days just to see me over the weekend, hug and console me after Sommersby (as well as to endure the whole movie).

Now that we're back home, we still don't see each other that much. Both being engineers but in different fields, we have our responsibilities towards our respective companies. I was worried at first, "what if we changed and suddenly found that we didn't know each other any more?" His solution: "get to know each other all over again."

Everytime he comes home it's like and adventure. He finds that I'm becoming a stronger, braver and more innovative person; I find that he's more confident of his abilities, he's got a tan and he misses me a lot! No doubt we've had our share of arguments, but we've learnt to use our arguments as a tool to understand each other better, and not as a weapon to cut each other down.

You can say that our marriage is pretty unconventional -- no house; no kids (yet), we only have dinner together when he's off duty. About the only constant we have in our lives is this bond we made with each other and our motorcycle. Our relatives and friends ask "How can someone do that? Leave his wife all alone? I would be worried."

But l am not alone and I'm not worried, because finally, I trust him. And I feel that I shouldn't be breaking my back to make my marriage like everybody else's because I am happy with what l have.

So is it still love?. Definitely. It is too powerful and magical to be anything else.

[Sign Gesbuk]


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